help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
