I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I have feelings that need drinking.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
