i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just blew my weed a kiss
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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