As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
