I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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