my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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