No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
