I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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