I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
