well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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