So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I pour the whiskey from now on
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
