just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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