im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
