I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
