Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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