I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
