we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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