If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
