It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
