the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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