Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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