in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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