I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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