Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
cat food counts as protein by the way
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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