I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
