The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
