i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
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