I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
