Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
