the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
