She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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