He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you win again, gameday.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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