I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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