its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
