I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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