if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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