1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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