My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
