Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
