remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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