Define "chronic" masturbator.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
