I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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