Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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