You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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