two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
