oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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