Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
