I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
