singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
