God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
