sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
