i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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