you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
